Enough, Part II: Speaking Words of Wisdom

Continued from Tuesday, July 19 post

Desireé, a dear college friend, reminded me in a comment on last week’s post that the Virgen de Guadalupe talks to many people. In Rain of Gold, Victor Villaseñor writes of his paternal grandmother’s long conversations with la Virgencita. They took place in the outhouse and sometimes lasted nearly an hour as his grandmother reported the news of the family and waited for Guadalupe’s consejos.

My conversations with la Virgen take place mostly in my head, and the answers are often more a feeling than actual words spoken aloud. But every once in awhile, I hear her loud and clear.

“It ain’t about that.”

She says this when I am hard on myself, when I feel I must justify the hour I spend some nights after the kids go to bed, watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. It’s an hour of quiet, thinking of no one and nothing, just enjoying a storyline written by someone else. But instead of sinking into the couch, I sort laundry or catch up on email for fifteen minutes in order to justify the act of relaxation I am about to commit.

“It ain’t about that.”

She says it when I arrive later than I’d hoped to my windowless office at the National Hispanic Cultural Center and put in less time than I’d hoped because Henry’s mom can babysit P. only until noon, and I promised P. that we’d spend the afternoon shopping for her flower girl dress.

And I think, if only I had more time …

But then I think back to that time before Henry and children and moving to this house on half an acre in Atrisco, and I know that single and childless Michelle expended countless hours thinking, if only I had a partner and kids.

So now I am planning a wedding, and even after picking out the location and the dress and the veil and the colors and the flowers, there are still a zillion other big and small decisions to be made, and each time I cross one off my list, I rejoice and wonder, is it enough to just be planning a wedding right now?

Well, no.

I guess it could be if I were someone else. But I am creative and passionate and accomplished and a perfectionist, all of which, combined, make it hard for me to ever feel I have reached this bar labeled “enough.”

So I talk to la Virgen. What do you mean it ain’t about that?

She’s quiet. I think it’s her way of telling me that I already know the answer.

Next week: Enough, Part III

Published in: on July 26, 2011 at 6:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

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